guess what? last night i slept in my own bed. all. night. long.

this is huge.

the last time that happened was most likely sometime in early december 2014.

sure, there was a munchkin up against me, but it happened.

let me back up.

hi! it's me. i'm back. haven't posted any "creations" in a while, but life, as it tends to, got in the way. wait, backtrack. there was a creation. the newest munchkin.


yes, he decided to arrive christmas eve morning. kept me up for nearly two days in the process (but that's a different post).

so yes, i slept in my own bed last night. it's amazing how much i take for granted (like the fact that i even have said bed, regardless of how often i get to frequent it). it's also a reminder of what it means to be a mother.

many times, it means giving something up for the little one: sleep. my bed (traded for the nursery recliner). hot food. sitting down. arms that aren't aching from cradling the little one. general comfort. it's stuff that we do without even debating. because that's what mothers do.

on days like yesterday, when hubby comes home to find the littlest one crying and the older one and mommy in pjs already (because mommy, he and the floor were covered in chocolate cookie puke thirty minutes before), it's hard to feel successful and content sometimes. amidst the subsequent laundry and mopping and attempts to (unsuccessfully) get big brother to cooperate while i try to nurse the munchkin, failure is usually at the forefront of my mind.

growing. in awe. complete awe.

i have a 15 month old son. who is wild. running around. pointing to everything he wants named. literally wakes up in the crib pointing. is trying his best to communicate. is testing limits. is remembering conversations. who loves to touch his hair on command. who loves to have his hair blown as i am blowdrying my own. who points to every "light" and "hat" he sees.

and who constantly amazes me. amazes and humbles me to my core.

i have been rightly limited in my experiences. to see he who is excited by a cup of milk. a hug. the stacking of blocks. the splashing of water. the blow of bubbles. the spoonful of yogurt. the joy of a shower. the freedom of running through the yard.

oh wells, how much you may try me, how much you have grounded me.

to see through innocent eyes the wonders of every day. (to experience the world without any expectations. to see a flow of bubbles for the "upteenth" time and still exclaim, with arms open wide and pure amazement on my face, "OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!)

yes, i envy my son. the complete "unjadedness" (yes, that's my own word) of his small 15 months. to not really have a care in this world...how great that must be...

but, as i was reminded this sunday:

2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

joy. true joy. wow. a hard concept but what a blessing it could be...

oh my, how greatly my Lord knows me. HE knows the struggles of full-time motherhood. HE loves me-- to show me the word "grow" here once again... i stand in awe. complete awe.

grow.

grow. this is my word for 2014.

i want growth. i want to grow. i want my son to grow. i want my husband to grow. i want my marriage to grow. and, yes, i want my family to grow.

i read this incredible blog post on wednesday and knew i needed to be a part of it.

in true kimberly style, i could not narrow it down to just one verse on which to meditate. then, in overachiever VERY TRUE kimberly style, i felt the need to apply the concept to me and david too. yes, all three of us with a verse. well, yes, as you can imagine, i found two for each of us (i can't help it: i am HORRIBLE with choices. i don't think it's such a bad thing--most of the time).

so (drum roll, please) here they are:

Wells
Psalm 111:10

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom. Praise him forever!

Proverbs 15:32

If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.

as we enter the toddler years, this seems to be VERY appropriate. . .

David
Romans 1:11

For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord.

2 Peter 1:2

May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.

i want my husband to have peace and focus on his gift, to hone in on it.

Me
Isaiah 40:31

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Colossians 2:7

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

i need strength. strength to believe in myself. and thankfulness. yes, thankfulness to keep me grounded. and positive. and present.

in addition, i have accepted ann's challenge. i am filling my blessings jar (Jeremiah 17:7) with "gift slips" according to her calendar (i failed miserable last year and want MORE in 2014). will you do the same? please?

yes, the sentimental new year's eve post

2013: my, what a year you have been.

there have been smiles, and laughter, and tears, and "why, God, WHYs?," and no's, and YES'S, and "are you KIDDING ME?s" and so much more i can't even begin to verbalize them.

there have been good choices i've made. and bad ones. here, on this last day of the year, i could choose to hone in on those negative things, but tonight? oh tonight...i am choosing to see the good.

my son in thriving. he is ALL OVER THE PLACE ALL THE TIME, when this ability was questioned in mid February. yes, i was told he needed to stop nursing and i should only pump and formula feed the rest. Recommendation denied. Today, yes, today, at 14 1/2 months, my son eats plenty of solid foods and still wants to nurse at my breast 3-5 times a day. proof to go with a mother's instinct. and yes, i know this exasperates some of you, nauseates some of you, but, you know what? I. Don't. Care.

and that alone says a lot.

for so many years i wanted to "go with the flow;" to not "rock the boat."

oops. not any more.

2014: please be the year that i completely get out of my comfort zone.

my Jesus was not afraid to speak the truth. i want to be the same.

i HATE new year's resolutions. i am such a perfectionist that simply setting goals creates anxiety that i will not be able to attain them. that i will spend too much time wallowing in my failure. (ugh, i know. welcome to my world.)

instead, this year, i am committing to trying harder. and better. and with more effort. or whatever this encompasses.

i do not want 2014 to look like 2013. i want more. jesus wants more. my husband wants more. my son wants more. I WANT MORE.

yes, I. I WANT MORE. this is the first time in over a decade that I have said this. I. WANT. MORE.

I. NEED. MORE. (and, for the first time in many, many years, i believe it. FULLY believe it.)

my world is wonderful. so amazing. yet, i know there is room for so much more. oooohhhh, so much more. so much hope for the weary that i can't even imagine it. and that is where i am; that is where my GOD is meeting me. to be my HEALER, my PROVIDER. just those thoughts alone is mind boggling, but, oh, how excited I am!

dear LORD, grant me peace, and grace, and mercy, and unconditional LOVE in 2014--for without it, i. am. nothing. absolutely NOTHING.

nine days til one year

one year old. one YEAR old.

no more only referring to wells as ___ months old. one year. one YEAR. really? already?

it seems like only a short time ago i was freaking out about the reality of going into labor. (dear pregnant kimberly: labor is nothing compared to the first six months with a reflux baby. love, mommy kimberly)

today, i held my baby's hand on the same railroad tracks where his daddy and i held each other and smiled for mari's camera on our wedding day. today, he laughed and babbled and crawled and stood there before us--when only a year ago he barely opened his eyes to squint at us.

ONE YEAR. i cannot believe it.

it's all happened so fast, this year of ours, our family of three. and yet, it feels like it's always been this way. neither of us can imagine life without our precious baby boy.

today, he took nine well balanced steps at home (possibly due to the sugar high from the colossal cookies and cream cupcake he tore into).  today, my soon-to-be "big boy" still nursed to snuggle and comfort himself when he was overwhelmed.

how do i feel? hard to say. i loved his photo session. seeing him so healthy and happy--it's every mommy's dream. but now, after he's gone to sleep, reality has started to set in.

it's bittersweet. and exciting. and scary. and a bit sad. all at the same time. does that make sense?

i wonder. i wonder who he will be in the next ten years: will he be an introverted planner like me, needing time alone to recharge? will he be spontaneous like david, always ready to do something at a moment's notice?

as we draw near to the end of this first year, i can't help but thank my God. for my family, my son, my husband, my life--a life i once thought didn't have much to offer. . . to anyone, much less myself.

i am blessed. and blessed and blessed and blessed. and happy, oh-so-very-happy!

i adore my son, his innocence, his purity, his devotion to us. . .

at this age, he is the essence of Matthew 19:14:

"But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” 

waves

sweet sunshine. beautiful day. happy little family.

that was us thursday of last week at the state park in destin, fl. i had almost forgotten how gorgeous and peaceful the gulf coast can be (skip the condo. get a room in a hotel and drive to henderson state park--clean, serene, and (in september) not the least bit crowded).

it was so nice to get away with my two loves, to just be our little family on vacation.

as david read and i nursed wells, i couldn't help but think about how great life can be. i had to stop and pray--thank my LORD for all that he has done and will do.

really--the same LORD who created us also designed a speck of flawless white sand for this beach? designed this sea with its vast greatness and numerous lifeforms? just knowing that the waves can change from day to day (much less hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second) must speak to something greater than us, right?

sitting there, cuddling my baby boy, watching my devoted husband, i found myself overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of my GOD.

psalm 107:1, 29-30

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
    His faithful love endures forever.

29 He calmed the storm to a whisper
    and stilled the waves.
What a blessing was that stillness
    as he brought them safely into harbor!
what a perfect picture of His power: to speak and calm the sea. i will never do anything on my own. help me to stop trying.

being still. . .

hi. it's me. yeah, it's been a while...

life got busy. no, make that, baby got BUSY! super busy. he's all over the place. all the time. and still hates to nap.

and i love him so much it hurts.

the few times he has slept through the night, i don't. i wake up, grab the monitor. has he moved since i last looked? i'm so terrified of seeing him in the same position. i can't enjoy this "sleeping through the night."not now. not yet.

the truth? i prefer hearing him whining around 3 am.

this i know. this is my new normal.

i go into the nursery, pick up my sleepy boy...settle into the oh so comfortable, overpriced but worth EVERY penny glider--thank you gigi and pawpaw.

sweet baby nurses. all is right in the world.

i think about how hard this was six months ago, what a chore it seemed like then. it's so easy now. i think about him weaning himself in the future. i sob, yes, uncontrollable crying in the rare moments i'm alone in my house. i do not want this to end. i know it will, that it should. but still. . .

this is the only snuggling i get. will he completely want to stop being held after he's weaned?

can i handle that?

most days, i think not.

this mom thing? it's way harder that it seems.

the abstract concept of being a parent, of completely trying to devote yourself to another life? so much easier than the reality: it's exhausting and difficult and hard. and so sweet. so very sweet i can barely go a day without pressing my boy close to me and fighting back the tears. . .

i want him to grow, to be strong and smart and big. but, at the same time, i don't want any of this. i want him to stay around 16 pounds and under 30 inches, not walking, BIG smile every time he sees me.

i started working, just barley part time, three weeks ago. now i know why david looks so elated every day when he walks in the door after 5 pm: there's nothing quite like wells's "I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" face.

seriously. it makes my day. every time. (and yes, on the days i don't go into work, i :might: walk out of the room just to see this expression when i return . . .)

this mom thing? it's oh, so sweeter than i ever thought it could be. ever imagined it would be. . .

i'm seeking the heart of my Father these days, trying to understand His love, why He loves me when i am so unworthy. and now, now that i am a parent myself? it makes crazy sense: more than it ever did before. . .

i am more than blessed to be a member of a church with a seeking heart, one that wants His people to know Him more.

psalm 46:10 was our first memory verse in my Bible study last week:
“Be still, and know that I am God!
    I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

yes, as Christians, many of us "know" this verse. we "know" what it says. . .

(okay, in case you didn't know this already) i am a HUGE grammar queen. seriously--correct, complex punctuation elates me (no, really: give me a sentence to diagram...).

so, i was pondering this verse alone in the shower (yes, alone being the operative phrase, as wells is usually playing around with me these days--it's just easier this way) and i found myself crying.

Crying over the mere punctuation in this translation: He isn't worried about the future. He knows how it's all going to end. He doesn't have any fears about it. He just wants me, now, as i am, flaws and all. "BE STILL!" is where His excitement lies.

wow.

just wow.

humbled now? yeah, me too.

it makes sense, how this boy of mine lights up when he sees me; how he only wants me at times; how only i can calm him. . .

this is the heart of my Lord--in the flesh--oh mary, how did you ever do this?